The Life of a Southern Girl

"Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow".... I wrote a new one: "Let it Rain Freakin' Ice Picks" cause I just can't stand anymore snow. Yeah; I was the one talking about how I loved the "Happiness falling from the Sky" and all that chit, but I am so not that naive anymore.

I need Sun. Real Sun. Not the pretend Sun you see during the winter through the window that lures you into believing that outside may actually be endurable. I need sun that gives me tanned skin. For Free. Not like the tanned skin I purchase from "Palm Beach Tan Spa" during the winter.

Can I do another winter in Northern Virginia? I don't know. Talk to me in July when the heat index is 110 degrees. When I do my rendition of "Let the Sun Shine" entitled: "Let the Sun Boil me into a Soupy Mess". May & October seem to be the only happy medium months here anymore. And I'm no gambler; but 2/12 seems like chitty odds to me.

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I really think that the weather is what's making me feel so "out of sorts" lately. I was talking to a male friend of mine tonight & I mentioned that I had felt kind of sad today. Couldn't put my finger on what exactly was making me feel that way. He says, "Oh. Are you about to start your period?" Gentlemen: The first thing us girls do when we feel sad, is the mental math. If we realize that, YES; I may be bitchy for 5 more days, we tend not to say anything. Out loud. But if we're in the 3-week clear; we'll mention our feelings. Because they may be valid. What is it with some men that they assume that if a woman is having a bad day; she must be having her period? And OK, dude. What's your fucking excuse when you're acting like a dick? Your left ball hurts? That can only suggest, well; I don't even want to think about it.

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I'm exhausted. I just house-sat for a week/half. I'm so happy to sleep in my own bed. And don't f' with me! I'm two weeks away from my period! I may go all "Psycho" on your ass! Stab you in the shower or somethin'!


peace

Where's the nearest ashtray?

I just broke a major blogger rule. I went back & read my own archives. And I don't know about you; but it made me want to just start hitting the "Delete" key until only the post I wrote yesterday is still available. That's what it made ME feel like, anyway. Shhh! I think I may have self-confidence issues. I blame Blogshares because my stock dropped a little. Anyway, I'm reading my stuff & thinking, "Oh my God!! Did I really say that? Could anyone be more cliche than ME??". Actually, I don't really care. I started this blog as a diversion because my heart felt like it had been taken out with a rusty scapel. I wasn't out to impress anyone.

My mom is the writer; my sister is the artistic one; and my father is an Engineer & can (& has) build a car & a house with his bare hands. I can't draw a straight line; my kitchen sink faucet is all weird because replacing the washer is just TOO COMPLICATED; so I thought maybe I got a little something from my mom. And that's not apparent yet. Can't seem to write my way out of a paper bag. I wish I could write as well as my mom does. She's just too good. I can only aspire to write the way she does.

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I don't know why I feel so anxious today. You know the feeling? Like you've forgotten something important? Someone's birthday; someone's sober day; someone's wedding rehearsal? I feel like the only thing that's going to make me feel better is to make a LIST. I don't know what kind of list. I just feel like I need to do something "organizational".

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I'm going roller-skating tomorrow. Haven't done that in about 10 years. I'm hoping it's like the bike-riding thing. As in: you never forget how. I don't want to be on my ass all day. I'm still about 10 pounds under & my ass is pretty bony still. It could be painful. And I have a low threshold for pain. I cut my finger & need a percocet. I only ever take Tylenol; but I would accept a percocet if offered one.

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Ya know what? There's a mini bottle of Grand Marnier (blood of the Gods) in my freezer. And there may be an answer at the bottom of it. Yeah, I know. There's never an answer at the bottom of a bottle; but it's a tiny bottle. And I don't indulge that much. Give me a break.



peace

or "Mature Audience/Uses The Word "Fuck" Alot.


Someone found me by Googling, "barracuda blog fuck bartender". OK. Now I can see where at least two (possibly three) of those words would have anything to do with the others. But all four as a whole; I don't get it. Was this person hoping to find a bartender, who has a blog; that fucks barracuda? Or a blog that talks about how a barracuda fucked a bartender? I mean; I've used all those words. I've seen barracuda, I have a blog, I've had carnal knowledge, & I am a bartender. I'm just really curious about what this person was actually looking for. Any thoughts?

It was 79 degrees in St. Croix today. The high here in the DC area was 33. And it's been snowing on & off (mostly on) for over 12 hours. It's times like these that I sit and reflect. Why, exactly, did I decide to move back to the states?

As it usually happens; too much of a good thing is, well, Too Much. How much Sun & Fun can one person take? In my case; it was about 3 1/2 years worth. Unfortunately, when you decide to move to a Caribbean island pretty much on a whim without a big savings account; you have to get a job. So that you can afford to live there to enjoy the Sun & Fun. I was fortunate that I was a certified SCUBA diver (I managed a dive shop) and that I could open beer bottles, operate a blender, & have inane conversations with people that have more money than they know what to do with (I bartended at a 4-star resort). And I was fortunate that both jobs allowed me to do what I had gone there to do: Dive. At the dive shop; diving was part of my job. I bartended mostly at night; so my days were free to dive. (I'm not a huge night-dive fan. It's cool that you see alot of things that stay hidden during the day; but you can only see what's in the beam of your flashlight. And the currents are stronger at night. Tough entries, tough exits. Too much work.) Anyway, I reveled in how lucky I was that I was realizing a dream for about 3 years. Even while I was losing alot of my possessions and little snippets of my sanity every time a big hurricane came through.

There came a time when I was only diving maybe once a week. I found myself just going through the motions. I wasn't even lying on the beach anymore. Too many sand fleas. I would lie on the deck at my house a few hours a week. And I didn't even enjoy it. I just felt that I needed to maintain a tan so I would look like I lived there for the tourists I encountered at work every day. They expected it. It's part of their whole "vacation experience". They can't have someone mixing their drinks that is lily-white in their floral shirt/khaki shorts uniform. One day, a guest at the resort said to me, "You are so lucky! Just look at this view you have every day! People would kill for this job!" I looked up at the beach (about 15 yards away) and thought, "I haven't noticed the beach in about a month". I knew it was time to go. There were other things. The government sucks there. A Senator was re-elected after he killed his son by shooting him in the back. (At the same time a DC mayor was being re-elected after having been caught with a prostitute smoking crack). The crime is horrible. One time, I paid a crack addict 10$ to get back the same battery that had been stolen from my car. And I didn't think twice about it. Amazing the things you become use to over time.

So, I told my b'friend, "I'm leaving with or without you." He decided "With" because he had his own agenda. He wanted to go to Law school. (He's a successful attorney in Boston now. We're still friends.)

Anyway; even though I had the best experiences of my life, made life-long friends, and ate things that would put those "Fear Factor" people to shame; I knew when to say "When". And the only time I really miss it anymore is when it's so fucking cold; I can't feel my fingers.

I have tons of stories from that time. I don't know why I haven't told them here. I guess I'm starting now.

peace

We lose people of note all the time. Singers, actors, politicians, jounalists/authors, Mother Theresa, etc... Usually, I am sad. I think, "He/she really contributed. He'll/she'll be missed." Then I move on. It's very seldom that I actually grieve the loss of a public figure that I have never met. HST is one of those few.

He was a brilliant writer; which gave him a forum. He used that forum to tell it as he saw it; consequences be damned. He never apologized for anything. And he was very under-appreciated for his efforts; in my opinion. I contribute the fact that we (bloggers) are able to say the things we say without worry largely in part to him. Not because of a specific effort to us by him; but because of his influence by showing society that it's OK to take your balls out of your purse & say what the fuck you think about something.

For the younger set that only tuned in for "Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas" when it came out on film (& you only saw it because of Johnny Depp); I suggest you start reading him. If you have any appreciation for the written word; I can guarantee you will be spell-bound.

This man LIVED. But more importantly; he wrote about it. And he didn't hold back. He QUESTIONED. He questioned society, the government, himself. Nothing was sacred. Nothing was taboo.

I'm having a hard time with the fact that he committed suicide. What brings a person of that caliber to the point that he doesn't want to live anymore? (Short of depression) I don't buy the whole, "Oh, my broken leg hurts" thing. I'm thinking he would just smoke more dope. I agree with Blue's comment. I think he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. In as much as I don't think I could watch this man that is 20' tall in my mind hooked up to machines; I don't think he could see that for himself either if that was the case.

In either case; I believe that there is going to be more to this. There is no way that he would want to go down as a "tragic figure" whose death is a mystery. Mark my words. There's a lock-box somewhere.

peace

1937-2005

You either loved him or you hated him. There was no grey area when it came to HST. I, personally, thought he was brilliant. That is why I was saddened (shocked,baffled) to learn of his suicide this morning. I've been thinking about it all day.

My final thought: Someone has a lock-box containing a manuscript of his with strict instructions that it only be opened upon his death. I think a greater shock is yet to come. In pure HST fashion.

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"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- A slogan of Thompson's

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RIP

I Love You!

That's how I feel today. I thought it was allergies; but it's a good 'ole fashioned cold. I bought some Tylenol cold capsules yesterday that promised a "burst of coolness" after you take it. I didn't buy it for that. It was just the only cold medicine in the little store I was in. And, yep, you get a fleeting sensation of coolness in the back of your throat after you take it. It didn't cure me or even make me feel a better. What's the point of it? The pills themselves made me sleep for hours. That's all I needed.

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Attention Would-Be Robbers: Don't walk up to the glass front door, knock, and then be surprised that they won't let you in. I know it's a crazy thought; but maybe those ski masks you were wearing tipped them off to what you were up to.

This actually happened. A friend of mine was closing up his bar in a restaurant couple of weeks ago & heard a knock on the (locked) door. He looked up & there were 3 people motioning for him to open the door. Two were wearing ski masks. Three other places in the area had already been robbed that w'end. Criminals are either getting more brazen or more stupid.

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Waiting for a return text message is the new waiting for the phone to ring. I'm putting my cell phone in the other room. I can't stand the suspense anymore. No, that won't work. Now I have to get up & go into the other room every 5 minutes to look at my phone. And on the subject of cell phones; my friend, Derek, told me of a mutual friend that just spent 600$ on one. I asked, "For God's Sake! WHY???" "Well, it takes pictures, video, & when someone calls; their picture shows up!" I guess that's cool for someone that can't read. But this guy reads in 2 different languages. I must really be out of the loop. I didn't know there was a 600$ cell phone out there to be had. Personally, I would have gotten the 200$ one & taken one of those 3-day cruises to the Bahamas with the rest of the money. Sounds crazy; I know. It's the cold medicine talking.

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I was made very happy Friday when a friend of mine that I used to work with came in to see me. I haven't seen him since November; so it was great to catch up. He is a wonderful person & a very talented stage actor here in the DC area. I could listen to him talk for hours. Hey You! You know who you are! Write something for me? :)

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Okay. I have to sleep some more.


peace

I spent more time tonight than I care to admit at....Target. I was looking for.....air filter replacements. I'm wishing I could have wasted the time at GNC looking for powdered Bust Enhancer. That would have given me just a mere headache as opposed to the migrane I think I have. I have 3 three-speed TrueAir air filters I purchased at Target a couple of months ago. In my perpetual state of naivety; I assumed I could just run on down there to get replacement filters when I needed them. But, ya know, is anything ever that easy?? I learned (after going to two Target stores) that they ONLY sell 3-Speed TrueAir air filters. And they ONLY sell 2-Speed TrueAir air filter replacements. Apples & Oranges. Ying & Yang. Except in York, Pennsylvania; where apparently, (according to one of seven salespeople I accosted) they actually SELL THE REPLACEMENT FILTER FOR THE AIR FILTER YOU PURCHASED THERE!. Novel idea! Bravo, York Target store!! One salesperson had the audacity to suggest to me that I just "drive on over" to the Best Buy & maybe they would have what I need. The Best Buy that is 5 minutes away if I was the only car on the road; but sadly, I live in gridlock hell. We don't even understand what "drive on over" means. Clearly, that salesperson lives in Target. In the Air Filter aisle. Breathing all that clean air. I hate him.

Sorry for the rant; but my allergies always kick into high gear during winter when it's too cold to leave the windows open. Off the record, I think I'm allergic to my cats. And if I don't get those filters; I may have to give them away to the next witch I run across. Which happens more often than you would think.

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In the "I use to love you, but I had to kill you" category: Kevin Kline. I just noticed the shorts he's wearing in "The Big Chill".

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Check out Red and Black is the new Black and Red and Ole Blue The Heretic. Both are great reads! I just added them.

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Say "When". That makes it stop.


peace

I tried to look at my site using Mozilla Firefox & it told me that I don't exist. I existed before. Did they do some Spring cleaning & decide that I wasn't worthy anymore? Oh well. Their loss.

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I finally broke down and watched "Open Water" today. I had decided when it came out that I didn't want to see it because it's based on something that actually happened. Being a diver myself; I just didn't want it in my head. I was on a dive with a friend several years ago while living in St. Croix & we were being followed by a barracuda. Barracuda are very curious; and if you come across one while diving; they will usually follow you. In a non-threatening way. Now, I had seen alot of barracuda before; but this one was huge. I'm guessing maybe 5 feet. And I'm thinking the record is something like 7. Anyway, we were about 60' down swimming over some sand flats with the fish swimming along with us about 10' to my right. My buddy was swimming on my left. I had kind of been tracking the fish while looking at other things & all of a sudden he was gone. I started to look around to the right behind me & felt something large bump me from underneath. For about 3 seconds, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. I thought it was the barracuda. It was my dive partner that was so engrossed in looking at something, he had drifted below me and bumped me. But for a few seconds, I felt complete terror. And I'm not easily frightened. With that said; I can't even imagine the terror this couple felt being left in the middle of the ocean surrounded & being bumped by sharks. Of course, we can only speculate how everything played out since they are the only ones that can know. But given the area (off-coast Australia), it's probably a pretty good depiction. Lot's of big sharks there.

All-in-all, I thought it was a great movie. In the concept of exploring the human condition & the phases you go through when you resolve yourself to the fact that you're going to die. I had to pop in my "CaddyShack" DVD right after just to mentally balance myself.

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So, I'm almost half-way through my weekend that I've dedicated to ME. I made no plans 'cause I just want to decompress. I'm going to watch TV, play video games, and surf the net. And I may write something more later. Or I may not.

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peace

I Love You!!!!

Today, I:

Blew off the person causing me pain.

Gave kudo's to the person that always makes me feel sane.

All in all; it was a pretty great day.

peace

Wake me when it's over.

"A road well-traveled should not be gone down again; ever." I'm just sayin'. Unless you really enjoyed how bad you felt the last time. In which case; you should go down that road again until you get so manic; you start stabbing kittens with knitting needles. I really like kittens; so I've decided that I won't go down that road a third time. Nough said.

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I have a friend who is very upset that she hasn't had sex in a long time. In order to make herself feel better; she decided to give up sex for Lent. 40 days & 40 nights. Which is probably how long it's been since. Her logic is that this particular dry spell is religion-enhanced; so therefore; she feels better about not getting laid. I asked her how she's going to rationalize it after Easter and she seriously said, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it". I can't wait to hear it.

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peace

Valentine's Day is next Monday. Do something nice for the person you wrap your leg around. Or the person you wish you were wrapping your leg around.

I realized a few weeks ago that I must have new neighbors upstairs, because all of a sudden; there is alot of freakin' noise coming from there. I assumed they were either:

a) building something very large,
b) Sumo wrestlers that invite other Sumo wrestlers over to practice, or
c) lunatics that just jump around all over the house for hours.

Turns out that it is a mere child making all that noise. And it goes on for HOURS. It's there when I get home & continues until about 11pm when I guess they're giving him a schnapps-spiked glass of water to make him pass out. I have to wonder, "How do they stand it?!!!!". I have friends of mine that have kids tell me all the time that it's different when the kid is yours. That in itself is so cliche; I want to smack them for even saying it. You cannot make me believe that I could put up with a kid running back & forth for hours on end just because it sprung from my womb. I believe that even the love you feel for your own child has to have it's limits.

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Thanks to my friend at One Face Life, my eye is now out of the white box. Thanks, Darlin'!


peace

So, I've had this sciatic nerve thing goin' on for the past 3 weeks or so. Fellow bartender, Duncan, told me that I MUST go to Dr. Sean. Apparently, Dr. Sean is SO amazing; he could have invented the Slinky. Dr. Sean is a chiropractor. I'm not well versed on the practice. Never been to one.

I saw Dr. Sean yesterday. Duncan had told me that I would love him; but didn't elaborate. Well, Dr. Sean is drop-dead gorgeous. Unfortunately, he is very married. And shares a practice with his wife. Who is equally as gorgeous. Anyway, Dr. Sean is very quick on the banter front. After about 15 minutes of him telling me to "move your left leg to the right; relax your abs; stick your butt in the air and clench your butt-cheeks"; I finally said, "Ya know. The only other times I've ever heard those words from a man, we were both naked & I didn't have to pay him on my way out". He responded by telling me that maybe he would just give me a discount this one time so I wouldn't feel like I was being used. Touche! There's nothing like being put in your place when you're trying to be a smartass.

Dr. Sean was amazing. I worked the rest of the day with just small bouts of pain as opposed to the constant pain I had been feeling before. Maybe there IS something to all this. I'll be able to tell you for sure later because I'm scheduled 2 days a week for the next 2 months. Pseudo-sex for 2 months? Better than nothing at all.

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On the subject of condoms; there's alot of choices. Through trial-and-error, I've made my choice. As far as likes/dislikes are concerned. Anyway, my friend Pamela & I were shopping in Target earlier today & just happened to be on that aisle. We were looking at I don't even remember what. I just remember it didn't have anything to do with sex. Anyway, I notice this guy standing in front of the condom display. Which is a DISPLAY. Cause, ya know, there's about 50 to choose from. And he's not one of those shoppers that just picks out something on a whim. He Is Shopping. He's picking up the boxes, reading the back, looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will tell him: "You are guaranteed to bedazzle your woman if you buy THIS condom!" I almost felt sorry for him.

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Yeah, I've been busy. If you can tell me how to get the eye out of the box; I'll mix you one of my world famous martinis.

peace

I know, I know. But it just freakin' cracks me up with some of the hits I get from Google. My favorites from this past week:

1. "southern ignorance" - Ok, the southern part is a given. But, coupled with ignorance....too funny.

2. "girl with sushi on them + pictures" - I've mentioned sushi a couple of times; but, sadly, I have no pictures. I'm guessing I was # 5,047 on this search. How desperate was this guy?

3. "ho" - I got nothin'. I've never used that term. And don't go thinking that some blogger God is just pointing the finger at me; because I am absolutely the least "ho"ish person you'll ever meet.

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If you are eating at a bar (as opposed to a table) in a restaurant and your food takes longer than you think it should; hold back on that instinct to take your frustrations out on the bartender. Because:

a) We put your order in as soon as you ordered it.
b) You are in a very popular place in the middle of dining "rush hour". Your order
is in line with the other 150 people.
c) I am not the one personally preparing your food. It's not my job; assuming I
have the skills; which I don't; to run back to the kitchen & just "whip it up"
for you.
d) if you want to have it your way as fast as possible; go to fucking Burger King.

I'm venting all this because some asshole yelled at me today because his meal took 10 minutes longer than he thought it should. Buddy, I hate to be the one to tell you; but people without reservations wait up to 2 hours just to get a table here. And that whole "The Customer is always Right" thing went out with toe-socks. Save your drama for the DMV. They love that. If you are somewhat understanding & accept my offer of a free drink, meal, whatever; to compensate for your displeasure (I DO understand your plight) I will bend over backwards to make you happy again. If you choose to be a Dick; you are going to be SOOOOOO thirsty. I'll tell you every few minutes that I'll be right with you for your next drink order. And I'll do that for about 20 minutes. Or until I have some downtime.

Bottom line: Look around at all the other people & take a reality check. You're not the only person in the room.


I guess I should explain that where I work; we rarely get complaints. And I've mentally adjusted myself to that. So, when I get someone that acts like a Dick; it really bothers me. I was still carrying that with me when I got home and found a letter from Citibank. I've never had any dealings with Citibank. Ever. I have one credit card issued through my bank. I only deal in cash but keep it just in case I have some crazy emergency that may involve alot of money. Car issues...stuff like that. And I even eliminated that issue because I've discovered leasing where I can have a new car every three years & Therefore: I should never have any car issues. Anyway, this letter from Citibank tells me that under a new fair (insert legallese BS I don't even understand) act, they are obligated to tell me that my name has been reported to the credit bureau because I have missed a payment. WHAT? I'm going to call in the am, but right now I'm thinking that maybe I am a victim of Identity Theft? And after the day I've had, I'm also thinking, "Take my fucking identity! And the Dickless wonder I dealt with today!"

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Someone please say something funny.

peace

...Turns out that the manager has the power to decide what is & isn't valid to prove who you are. She decided that my expired license COULD be used as a form of ID. To them. And just for that day. Yeah, I had to suck up by feigning interest in her back problems; but I got what I wanted. After all was said & done with THAT; I still had to take, not only the written, but the driving test as well. And I just did all that 7 years ago when I moved back to the states. I quess they think that if you're stupid enough to let your license expire; you're just plain stupid. You've forgotten that red means stop & green means go. And whereas you use to drive within the lines; now you're just driving all willy-nilly with no regard to ANYTHING. So I took the written which, of course, is not written at all. It's on a computer. Multiple choice. I ace the signs and then move on to "General Knowledge". According to that part, I "generally" know how to drive; but I'm a little hazy on how fast you can drive in front of a school. This is where the question of whether or not video games teach children good hand-eye coordination comes into play. Let's hope so. So that they can quickly hold their hands in front of their faces in a defensive manner right before I hit them.

I only miss a couple questions, so I move onto the driving part. Mr. Test Man gives me the whole run-down. I'm to turn left when he says left; right when he says right; and just go straight if he says nothing. And he will be taking notes; but I'm not to pay attention to anything he is writing. He basically just leads me around the block without writing anything. Tells me to park & wishes me a nice day. I say, "Don't you want to see me parallel park? 3-point turn?" to which he says, "Not really." This man is bored. So, I go back into the DVM and go on to have the BEST freakin' picture taken of me ever. Seriously. We all know the cliche. How DL pictures always suck. I am here to tell you that I am the exception to the rule. And that sucks within itself; because I have never had a good picture taken of me EVER. I'm basically a cute girl (you wouldn't run away screaming) but I just don't photograph well. It's the main reason I haven't hit the internet dating scene. I've had no decent picture to post. Would it be weird if I posted my DL pic?

So there it all is in the biggest nutshell ever. I am legal now. I was able to make my trip home. And I'll post about that later cause lot's of cool stuff happened there. Mainly getting to see Mom, Dad, & Paige. And I got to meet my future brother-in-law, John. I was very impressed. Besides being personable, cute, and smart; he obviously adores Paige. That was key for me.

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Well, it's almost Valentine's Day; Again. I think back to last year. I was casually seeing a couple, three people. Nothing serious. (Do I need to explain further by saying none of them had seen me naked?) Didn't think so. Anyway, I got some flowers; cards. It was nice. Kinda in the way a $1.00 Off coupon from CVS is nice. And then I met the man that gave me the most emotionally driven year I've ever experienced with anyone; and now it's Valentine's Day; Again. And that particular man is hardly in sight. But, I will be recognized by the most important man in my life. My Dad never fails to send me a card for Valentine's. Just to let me know he's thinking of me. How cool is that?

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I saw a girl today with the corner of her EYELID pierced. I mean; how does it not drive you crazy when you blink? I don't get it. If you can one-up me; please do. I'd love to hear about it. Some people are Just Fucking Crazy.

peace