The Life of a Southern Girl

"Did you pay the cab?"


....Jasmine : "Yes, I did, but he still seems really pissed off. Don't know why he's following us."


Poor Scarlett: "Do you think he's just pissed that we decided not to sit in his cab for f'ing ever at that roadblock? He's pissed that we decided to get out & walk it."

Jasmine: "Maybe. Hard to tell. There was that Weird Al Yankovic impersonator that was throwing spitballs at the cab's windshield. Maybe that's why he's following us. Maybe he thinks we KNOW Weird Al and wants to be properly introduced."


Ocean City, Maryland....


"I'm a psychosomatic sister
Running around without a leash
Snow is falling, January's all across the land
I've got seven other men in the ditches behind me, and
I think I'm the last survivor."

-Liz Phair "Headache"

...we have T -26

hours before I get in my car to head to Ocean City, Maryland. Once I get there, I will park my Southern ass on the beach & not move until Tuesday morning. If any of you will be in the vicinity of 79th ocean side; I'm in a green bikini w/ a dolphin tattoo on my left hip. Please stop by & give advice on how to spend the rest of my life. Thanking you in advance; I remain...

....it makes my foresight so much more interesting!


M, give it up & take a nap!

(Selfish post...I apologize!)

...and the "Bartender Card" may get your ass kissed a little.


I rarely throw out the "Bartender Card" (BC). Which means; I don't often tell a bartender that I don't know (restaurant I've never been to, different city, whatever..) that I am a bartender as well. Us bartenders have a special kind of "Yes! You know exactly what I go through!" relationship with one another whether we know each other or not. And it's cool to find out the person you just met is a bartender so you can compare war/happy stories. But! A bartender does not necessarily like for you to tell them UPFRONT that you are of like minds because it kinda comes off that you are expecting extra-special attention & that's the only reason you're sharing. That's the main reason I rarely share the info to someone that is a new bartender to me. I don't want them to feel that I am ASSUMING I'm going to be treated extra nice. For all they know, I could be a real bitch & not worthy of their extra attention. (I'm sad to say; some bartenders aren't worthy of the trade..it happens.)


The last time I played the BC was at Perry's in Adams Morgan sometime in March. Four fellow female bartenders & I went there for their INCREDIBLE Sunday brunch. Now, I am a brunch fanatic & think I have sampled some of DC's finest, but; Perry's is hand's-down the best I've seen. The buffet is beyond compare. Everything from the basic eggs & stuff to crabcakes, hand-prepared sushi (right in front of you), to awesome desserts. What rounds out this delicious experience is the Drag Queen show they do during brunch. The performers entertain throughout the brunch hours & are Fan-Fucking-Tastic! We had Tina, we had Carmen, & a host of others that are all so incredibly talented; I briefly wished I was a man that could impersonate a woman so CONVINCINGLY that everyone would be jealous of my talents.

Anyway, the bartender was gay & not really paying attention to us. But that was OK. He was wicked busy, & the guys next to us were really cute. I saw it for what it was, but we were celebrating G's B-day, and for that reason; I wanted special attention for our little group. When the bartender finally got our order & made the round of drinks, I just off-handily mentioned that we were all bartenders celebrating a b-day & we were all thankful we could get the same day off to be there. Said bartender did such a quick 180, I think I actually felt the wind in my face! He made our 45 min. wait for our table so enjoyable, we felt happy to tip him $50 on our $85 bar tab. (Hey, $50 on $85 in 45 mins. is awesome for just making pitchers of mimosa's!) This is an example of when the BC card should actually be played. Worked for him & us. Everyone's happy!

Well, I will continue this series with examples of when NOT to play the BC. Until then, please check out BitterWaitress & StainedApron.


"I'm sorry, was that your FACE? Fuck; I meant to slap it harder!"
- Tara

"Nevermind"

can't I put a simple clipart image in the upper right-hand corner of my site?


Ok...I'm all new to the blog thing; but I was a programmer in a past life. I should be able to figure this shit out!! I've looked at countless "how-to" crap & I just can't make it work! I'm putting myself in your hands. If you can help me out, I will be forever in your debt. I will wash your car, mow your lawn, walk your dog. And if this plea goes two weeks without an answer; I may even show my left breast (it's bigger than the other one. I'm probably the only one that notices that, but I feel I should mention it. Why? I don't know.)

Hep me?

Please. Take my chair.

"You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs, then you lean too far and you almost fall over, but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." (Steven Wright)

I have this file that I send quotes I find interesting. I was going through it tonight & stumbled over this. Don't remember how, when, or why I found it originally, but it totally describes my mood right now.

does NOT go to G!

It seems that "German" girl left 15 minutes after we did. I told G that she could have REALLY taken the title if she had; not only told bf he could hook up if he wanted to, but had offered to stay as well! Oh Well!!! Attention Ladies!!!! The title is still up for grabs! (I'm hoping I don't have to say this; but I'm speaking from a male point-of-view. My idea of what it would be, anyway. But, then again, I'm somewhat jaded right now.)

Hey! I said I would get back on track Tuesday! That gives me a couple more days to just bullshit. And you're not the boss of me!! (are you???) Kinda hard to tell...

I do have something of substance I would like to address:

Gentlemen!! OK, you know you're going to a nice restaurant for dinner. I can see you looking through your closet for something nice to wear. Aha!! You see it! That nice white Polo shirt Mom gave you for X-mas last year coupled with the tried-but-true blue slacks should be just perfect! BUT NO! OMG! There's that white muscle shirt that you thought you lost during that last "Monster Car Reunion". And, damn, your biceps look HOT in that shirt! You should wear that!! Because, not only will the women be swooning over your biceps; they will be just HOT with desire over seeing your armpit hair hanging over your appetizer!!

Is this the thought process that a man has that winds up in a nice restaurant wearing one of these shirts?? It baffles me everytime. Does he look at himself in the mirror right before leaving his house thinking, "Damn, I look GOOD!"?

I guess it goes without saying that this is one of my pet peeves. (Again, I need to make a list. Fuck; so many lists to make; so little time.) I am from the school of thought that believes these shirts should be saved for the gym, beach, & Monster Car Reunions. Not for dinner out with your girlfriend/family/old friend/dog/or sitting at Scarlett's bar. Whatever the case may be. Take note, please! Otherwise you may find yourself on the receiving end of a "cement mixer"! For those not in-the-know, that's when the bartender offers you a shot of Bailey's & lime juice (separately) & tells you to just swish it around in your mouth. The Bailey's turns to something like cottage cheese & gets stuck all in your teeth. Hey, whatever it takes for us to get our kicks. I mean; you DID wear that shirt!! So you're fair game.

And I'll address the whole "Fanny Pack" thing another time.


Godspeed, all:)


"And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway."

- Goo Goo Dolls "Acoustic #3"

I mean, goes...It's all relative.

I got off work at 12:30 & met some friends at Portners. We left at 2 to go to G's bf's house. Out of all the after-hours parties in Old Town, it seemed the less detrimental to me. Meaning I could have one beer & get home somewhat sober by 3. So at 3 I'm saying my Goodbyes & G asks me for a ride home. I'm stumped. Isn't this her bf's house? So I say, "Sweetie, aren't you staying here tonight?". And she asks me, "Did you mean that cute little German girl? Well, I just thought she & (bf) had so much in common. I told him to go for it if he wanted to." I'm sorry....is this the same girl that was so devastated over her last break-up, I was the one wanting to commit suicide? Anyway, she wasn't really capable of explaining it to me. (She had been drinking at MY bar from 9p to 12a.) I can't wait to hear the details tomorrow. About why she passed off her bf to some girl we don't even know. (We don't know her; that's key. We're a tight group. Better she should pass him off to someone we know.) Anyway, I ASPIRE to be like that! I WANT to be able to say, "Fuck you! I'm passing you off to the next person that doesn't know me!"

Anyway, I recognize that I've been "wallowing" these last few days. But I promise that, by; let's say, next Tuesday, I will get this blog back to where I originally intended it to be. About a Southern bartender that takes unmerciful shots at her unsuspecting customers. And I may allow them to do a shot or two. They may need it...

God bless my weary soul...& it IS weary.....

"I want to be cool, tall, vulnerable, & luscious.
I would have it all if I only had this much.
No need for lucifer to fall if he'd learn to keep his mouth shut;
I would be involved with you."

- Liz Phair "Perfect World"

...sometimes that's all you need.

I want to thank my friends C & R for inviting me out tonight. I was at work still kinda reeling from the emotions of my last post. G texted me to go to Evening Star, but I just wasn't up for the late, late night I knew that would end up being. Right when I was closing down my bar, C & R dropped by to invite me to Murphy's. I joined them & had a very nice couple hours just listenin' to the music, talking, & just enjoying the company of these two really awesome guys. It's amazing how 2 hours with the right people (C & R specifically) can make you feel so much better. C, I'm looking forward to watching "Holy Grail" on Sunday. I see a "Battle of the Dialogue" coming on! "African or European?" Run away, Run away!!!



"I recommend getting your heart trampled on,
to anyone.
I recommend walking around naked in your living room.
Swallow it down, a jagged little pill.
It feels so good, swimming in your stomach.
Wait until the dust settles."

- "You Learn" Alanis Morissette

I wish I was 5 again!!

I had the most adorable little girl at my bar last night. Let me just say that I DISLIKE people that sit at my bar with a child in tow. I just don't think you should sit at a bar with a child. Usually. But this time was different. The family sat down & I asked the little girl her name. (She's about 4-5 years old). "I'm called Shelby." (OK) So I say, "Shelby, we have great fish sticks. Would you like some?" And Shelby says "Well, I prefer shrimp." OMG!! The only thing I PREFERRED when I was her age was play-doh over plain old clay. And I don't think I knew that I actually "PREFERRED" even that! Cause I didn't know what "PREFERRED" meant! So, I know that I'm dealing with some child prodigy.

Anyway, over the next two hours, Shelby proceeded to tell me: that my eyeliner looked "weird", I should clip my nails, & her daddy "bashed" someone's car while they were parking. Shelby entertained me more in two hours than any adult has entertained me in the last month.

Shelby, I see you as our first female President!!

"Baby, Baby, it's a wild world.
It's hard to get by just on a smile, girl.
Oh, Baby, Baby, it's a wild world;
I'll always remember you as a child, girl."
- Maxi Priest

...That's the ticket!

I decided last night to try a little experiment. I decided that: not only would I make direct eye contact, flirt, & not throw things at my solo male customers (most of which are traveling businessmen); I would wink at them every other time I spoke to them.

Example: (while making direct eye contact) "Enjoy your meal. Ill check back with you in a moment." (Wink followed by a moment of direct eye contact w/ a smile.)

OMG! Men in this area practically hand over their wallets for this little gesture. And I know what you're thinking!! You're thinking, "Of course they do! They think that you mean they may "get a-little-somethin'-extra" because the wink IMPLIED it."

That's the attitude that has kept me from winking this far north. I'm sorry, but, in the South; we wink all the time. "Here's a String Bean Casserole, Martha. I'm sorry about your husband (Wink)." "Little Johnny, you pitched a no-hitter! Good for you! (Wink)." Herein lies one of the differences between "The South" & "The Big City".

And I have to wonder: Do the women in the "oldest profession" up here know about this? Girls, do the math. I made a 25$ tip from one guy for winking at him. What's the going rate for a bj? 20$? (I'm just going on what I learned from an HBO special) My point, girls: Become a bartender! Wouldn't it be nice to have clean knees ALL THE TIME?

Well, maybe I tend to sugar-coat, but I'm always looking for ways to up my tips & teach a lesson at the same time! (Teaching a lesson makes me feel less guilty for the manipulation I use to up my tips!)


"Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the mornin' last, just
Kickin' down the cobblestones.
Lookin' for fun & feelin' groovy."
-Simon & Garfunkel

'cause I want to go there & start pushing people in front of busses.

Tonight:
Interaction #25 with Customer #37(The guy with the freaky bowtie on his 5th Manhattan) after he had called me "Leslie" for the 87,000th time:

Poor Scarlett(laughingly): "Sir, my name is not Leslie. It's Scarlett. I know this because the nametag pinned to my right breast says so."

A*hole: "I remember you from when I was here before! You're that little girl from South Carolina!"

Poor Scarlett: "Yes, I am."

A*hole(slurring): "So then what does it matter what I call you?"

At this point, there is a collective groan from everyone within earshot. Everyone understands that he has broken a major rule. (I eventually will make a list.) "Never insult your bartender." Breaking this rule makes the drink in front of you your last one for the evening. Which is what it was for this dimwit.

BUT, I came home & there were flowers by my door. No card, but that's OK. Someone I know thought about me today & wanted to do something nice for me. Whoever you are; you rock! (Unless you're some freaky guy that conned his way pass the Security gate at my complex & actually knew my apt. #. If that's the case, you DO NOT rock, & I hope I have the opportunity to push you in front of a bus.)

Godspeed, all:)

when your best friend is sitting in the corner furiously shaking a "Magic Eight Ball" screaming, "Tell me YES, you bitch!".

Whew. Let me just set this up by telling you that the restaurant I work in has 3 bars. For the last 6 years I have worked in the bar that stays open 'til 1am on w'ends. Management has decided to rotate us bartenders so that everyone has equal time at all bars. No skin off me. So on Friday nights I work a bar WITH ANOTHER BARTENDER. I'm used to working alone, but the change is good. This change means that on Friday nights, I am "early out", meaning I am out at 10:00 pm!! OMG!!! I can actually go out dancing (& whatever else) with my friends!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!!

So, with my new-found freedom, I'm crazy texting my fellow bartender friends & non asking where everyone will be at 10:30. I find myself comparing "drunk scars" with friends at Portners. Next thing, I'm at G's house hunkering down under a VERY little umbrella on the deck (cause we can't smoke in the house) trying to enjoy a cig (I rarely smoke) while wearing white jeans (white jeans DON'T survive rain very well). Next thing I know, I'm posing with 6 of my best g'friends in our best Victoria bras because someone lost a bet. I'm kinda unclear on what the bet was; but I do know it only involved G., but somehow we all ended up somewhat naked for the picture. And I have to ask; do you think pics taken with a cell phone could actually be used in court? I'm thinking they are probably "inadmissable" kinda like phone recordings. Oh well, if not, we all had pretty bras on! And all my friends have pretty cleavage!

Anyway, the party was fun. I have such great friends. My group of friends run the gamut. I have bartender friends, massage therapist friends, IT, marketing (I heart you, Becca) comic (my friend Sean teaches improv @ the Improv), & I'm too tired to name the rest. But I will eventually end up mentioning everyone. OK - I'm two minutes from sleep.


y'all come back now, ya hear?:)

that my teeth were falling out!!

I looked it up in my "Dr. Macdonald's Astrological Dream Book" & this is what I found:

"Teeth are assumed, in the interpretation of dreams, to represent relatives or the best friends one may possess; the front teeth bear a relation to children, to brothers, sisters and other near connections; the lower ones signify persons of the female sex, and the upper ones those of the masculine gender.

Consequently, to dream of having a tooth lost or spoiled, is an indication of the loss of some relative.

If, on the other hand, one dreams of having a more beautiful white & firm set of teeth than given by nature, it signifies that the dreamer will be blessed with joy and prosperity, and receive grateful things from relatives, leading to a strong and durable friendship.

To dream of having one tooth longer than the others is symbolical of a disagreement with a relative.

The upper eyetooth signifies the father; the lower one is taken to represent the mother.

Artemidorous contends that the teeth on the right side represent masculines, and those on the left, females, but this is contrary to the teachings of the Indians, the Persians and the Egyptians, who were most expert in divination.

Should one dream that one of the large front teeth is decayed or blackened, or, that it gives pain, it is a prognostication as to the dangerous illness of a relative or near friend.

To dream of teeth becoming suddenly white and well formed, when otherwise is the case with the dreamer, signifies a sudden acquisition of happiness, of pleasure and contentment, as well as the proffer of friendship from quarters the least expected.

To dream of cleaning teeth and rendering them white denotes the gift of money to friends or relatives.

Should one dream that the teeth give pain and trouble, preventing the dreamer from speaking or eating, it is a sure sign of domestic quarrels, and the prevalence of litigation among relatives with respect to a will or other inheritance."
- Dr. Macdonald's Astrological Dream Book

Oh My God!!! what does it mean if I only dream that my teeth are falling out???

Here I am....waiting for the other shoe to drop....

Never answer a question with a question.

There are a few things I've discovered in my years of bartending about tending to the "hetero couple" as a female bartender:

1) Always address the lady first. If you address the guy first; she thinks you're flirting.
2) Be pleasant to the guy, but not TOO pleasant. Otherwise, she thinks you're flirting.
3) Compliment the lady at least twice on ANYTHING. "I love that (necklace, ring, lip-piercing)!", "That lipstick is the same color as my kitchen towel! I love it!". You get the picture. Compliment him on ANYTHING; she thinks you're flirting.

Bottom line: If she's happy; he's happy. Even in this day & age, the guy is usually the one footing the bill, & if you piss the lady off; there goes your tip.

Now I'm going to change the subject completely. (You're going to need this info to enjoy the story that I will hopefully get to.) Bartenders do not like to be put in the position of settling your disagreements. Yeah, we'll solve things like who had the most homeruns in 1996, or who had the fastest downhill time in the last Winter Olympics, or even how fat is the fattest cat. Statistic stuff is A-OK. But please don't ask us to give our opinion on whether or not we think your mother-in-law is just a shitty person cause she called you a lard-ass. And your husband doesn't think she was out-of-line cause, "ya know, you have put on a few pounds". Believe it or not; these things make us uncomfortable. It's a "no win" situation for us.

With all that said; I had just a LOVELY situation at my bar tonight. Probably made worse by me because I was put in a bad situation & tried to lighten the mood by TRYING to be funny. Let me just set this up for ya:

Lady: "Excuse me, but could you settle something for us? (Kiss Of Death statement, by the way) Would you be insulted if your husband called you a BEAST?"

Poor Scarlett: "Well, it depends. Which room of the house were you in?"

Lady: "huh?"

Poor Scarlett: "Well, if you were in the kitchen having dinner, & you were gnawing on a chicken bone with slobber flying everywhere, & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I'd say it was an insult. But, if you were in the bedroom sharing a cigarette (with him being in a state of euphoria), & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I would take it as a compliment". Which one was it?

Well, the guy laughed like crazy. The lady looks at me, then looks at him with that "we won't be sharing a cig for awhile" look, & he stops laughing. At that point; I knew I was screwed as far as making any money off these people. Suffice it to say; the lady was not happy, so the guy was not happy. After all was said & done; the guy left me a mere 15%. Guess I can't bitch too much.

Do y'all remember those flash card things you could get to keep in your car in, like, the 70's? You could flash them to other drivers. They said things like, "Back Off", "Slow Down". Know what I'm talkin' about? Well, I wish I had something like that at my bar. Only my cards would say, "I Have No Opinion", "I'm Involved", "I Accept Nothing Less Than 25%".

"There ain't nothin' in the world like a brown-eyed girl,
make you act so funny
make you spend your money."
- Big Bopper (loosely)

ya'll come back soon:)