The Life of a Southern Girl

.......that I've suddenly become intrigued with the Gmail thing. Mainly cause I don't have it and everyone else seems to. And it seems to be a new thing with me about caring what I don't (can't) have. So, I googled "gmail invitations" & was hit with lots of links of people saying they "will do ANYTHING" for one. Is it that good? I actually won't do anything at all for an invite; but if there's one out there to be had; I wouldn't turn it down.

Birthday was "enlightening" for lack of a better word. Apparently it is against the rules at "Tiffany's Tavern" to make out at the bar. And in my pinot noir haze; it kinda put me out when the bartender said something to us. Didn't realize 'til later that he probably had a point since where we were sitting, EVERYONE in the room had to look pass us to see the band. And these guys were pretty good so who am I to steal their thunder. Although I didn't think we were putting on that much of a show. But that's probably again from the pinot haze I was in. Where 10 mins only seems like 1. Thank God we behaved ourselves at "Vermillion" during dinner prior to the Tavern because I would like to continue showing my face there.



Peace

....it's not just for sober people any more!


To the guy trying to order a beer tonight & couldn't actually say the word: Dude, I gave you an A for effort. I mean, the way you fell against the guy sitting next to you during the "er" part really showed that you were serious about what you wanted. I knew right then that you were a man to be reckoned with! And I'm so sorry I couldn't serve you. I mean; I do have my standards! If only you had worn a BLUE shirt! Oh well.

My b-day is Tuesday. I'm having a hard time with this one. For no particular reason. Please send me nice notes.

Peace

...Can I have another piece? OF CAKE. Yes, thank you.

My new friend has solved the mystery for me. The saying, "You can't have your cake & eat it, too." originated from Marie Antoinette saying, "Let them eat cake!". Thank you, Thank you. It was drivin' me crazy. Back later.....gotta feed the animals. It's the law.

Peace

.....I'm on a mission.

Who was it that originally said, "You can't have your cake & eat it, too."? I'm going to consult master "Jeeves" & "google" my heart out 'til I find how this saying originated. And once I find the answer; I'm going to present at least 10 reasons why you should be able to "have your cake & eat it, too". I think; that as a society, we have used this saying ad nauseum to help us make decisions. It's easy 'cause it's such a cop-out. It forces you to pick a side.

I believe that you CAN have your cake & eat it, too. (Disclaimer: As long as it's not detrimental to anyone's physical or mental health. blah, blah, blah.) And with that said; I think the human condition as we know it now has been muddied by so many cliches held over from generation to generation. And this is one of them.

And just humor me!! I just spent hours having the most inane conversations with people & this is the first original thought I've had since 5:00p. I welcome your thoughts on this. Actually, I'm PLEADING for your thoughts on this! (make this post valid!... is what i'm sayin'!)

Peace

...and there's no one around to hear it; does it make a sound?


If a bartender busts her ass , and there's no one around to catch her; does she get a standing ovation?

Well, I can say from experience now, that, YES; she does. And not only does she get the standing ovation; she gets alot of "sympathy tips" as well.

I innocently left my bar to get some coffee beans for a Sambuca. We're wicked busy; so I'm running. I'm running back to my bar, & I hit some invisible angel stardust on the floor & fall right on my ass. (I have angels that follow me around trying to "right" my life. I like to think.) In reality; someone spilled their drink & I stepped in it. 50+ people see me do this. I swear; I was only on the ground for 3 seconds before I popped back up. And that got me the standing ovation. And then that led to the sympathy tips after I showed off the strawberry on my left elbow. I've had much more fun getting a strawberry; but at least this one paid off.

Brunch date at 11am...I'm off

....you look good. just. like. that.

Is some kind soul bussing in incrediblly good looking men to my bar? I just know I flirted my ass off tonight, received the same in kind, made alot of money, got some numbers (unsolicited), & didn't hand over the pen once (as usual). Happy Days are definitely here again, I guess. I should say that I never "troll" my own bar for potential dates. Actually, I've always had a rule that I don't even look at guys at my bar as potential dates. Did it once and the outcome proved my theory about "no strange in - no strange out".

Anyway, the scenery was very nice tonight.

....5 weeks 'til Draft Day for my NFL Fantasy League.


I'm looking for a couple of Sleepers to round out my picks. (Picked up Jevon Walker last year as a Sleeper; worked well for me.) Any advice? Of course; there will be a finders fee if I draft him & he does well. Of course. I'm Southern; I know about protocol.

......Uh...Hmmm...Well...Sure!!

This will be short. I just have to vent. I had a woman tonight order a Long Island Ice Tea. "And could you make it a light one? I have a presentation to write." Well, Ok. You're talking about a drink that has 4 different liquors in it. Local law says I can only pour you 3 ounces; but I'm from SC where we don't abide by any laws; so you'll probably get 5. But since you want it "light", quess I'll just make you, what?, half a drink? I swear. I think that some people just order a drink because they like the name of it. They don't actually know what's in it. (Other bartenders reading this know what I'm talkin' about.) And ya'll KNOW what I did. Made the same drink taking up half the glass with just a splash of coke. I said 5 Hail Mary's for her & hoped her presentation went well. She didn't bat an eye. I'm so going to hell.

ps to M: You're right. I AM a smartass. And I already know this. (1) I look good in a thong. My ass looks "smart". (2) And I say what the fuck I mean. Get use to it or just don't read me anymore.

Peace

....Or at least share it with me.


It started becoming natural to me to totally rebuff any "special" attention I get at work from male customers several years ago. You just have to when you're a female bartender. You can decide to either try to sift through the hundreds of levels of insincerity all the way up to the thousands of levels of ulterior motives; or you can just stamp everything bullshit. Which is pretty much what I do. And most the time, I've been involved with someone; so it was easy to do. But, I know I've probably over-looked one or two guys that I should have passed the pen to. And until tonight, I can't remember the last time I got so shook up at work; I couldn't maintain a multi-task level of 10.

This guy came in tonight that had caught my eye briefly in another place ; but he's never been to my bar. And there's nothing crazy special about this guy. He's handsome; but not over-the-top handsome. Tall, which I like. Nice hands. Speaks in complete sentences.

Whatever. As soon as he sat at my bar tonight, smiled at me, and kissed my hand when I only went to shake his; I lost my edge. Hadn't seen him other than one other time; but I lost my edge. And I LOVE my edge. I pride myself on it. It gives me that THING that lets me do my job without any interference. My EDGE keeps me sane.

So; we're busy. Line down the street. Haven't seen an empty seat at my bar for 3 hours. And all of a sudden, I've dropped 60 IQ points AND I can't remember how to make a martini. And I start doing this weird babble thing.

"Hi! What would you like to drink? Did I already ask you that? I mean, sometimes I think something & I'm not sure I've actually said it. Would you like something to drink?" OMG!!! What the fuck am I talking about???

And he just smiles, takes my hand, & says, "Don't worry about me. I can see you're busy. I'll just have a Lite."

So, it goes like that. I'm incredibly busy & never have any time to talk to him one-on-one. He's done, he kisses my hand, leaves; but maintains eye contact on his way out the door until we just can't see each other anymore.

So I promptly copy his name from his credit card voucher so I can "google" him later. And what the fuck is that all about? I've never done that before.

HEY! Did someone set me up? Is this some kind of ploy to see if someone can actually "get" to Miss Scarlett? Make her lose her concentration at work? Are you bucking for my job?????

I'm not paranoid. I'm just floored that someone caught my attention. Guess I'm not the "Ice Princess" at work anymore. And my B-day is the 27th. Feel free to send me anything that will help me get my edge back. Can't even think what that might be. Use your imagination.

Peace

...You're scaring people!


So, on the subject of unsolicited phone numbers. Tonight this guy sits at my bar & when I ask him what he wants to drink; he just says, "You have 'bedroom-eyes'. Has anyone ever told you that before?" Well, kinda, but maybe not in that way (It does sound nice, though). I was blessed with nice eyes. They're my best feature. I sometimes wish God had seen fit to bless me with bigger breasts & just regular eyes; but I guess it's true you can't have everything. Anyway, the next hour is me fending off every bad come-on known to man from this guy. So much that the guy sitting next to him says, "Leave her alone. She's trying to work." I finally told him that "No, I can't date you because my husband made me give up dating other men on our wedding day. He's very fickle. Go figure." Usually if it's gotten to the point where I pretend to be married; they give up.

Well, he finally pays and then writes his # on the back of the voucher & tells me, "If you ever need a friend, please call me." Ok...he's trying to be sweet but that's still scary 'cause what makes him think I "need a friend"? But then he follows up with, "Because I really need a friend. I think you could be my Best Friend. Please call me." Ok, you went from being annoying, to kinda sweet, to REALLY psycho. Honey, I just met you! And you just shot yourself in the foot with the last part. BEGONE! Please! And he was. Real quick like. Freaked me out so bad; I had someone walk me to my car.

OK...I'm going to sleep. I'm going to dream about red mustangs, blue skies, purple tape, green meadows.


ps to M....awww, nevermind...I'll give you a break today.

....but my Dance Card is full.


Damn, was I just having a good hair-day?

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I mean; I woke up on the right instead of the left; where I always sleep. Guess it was because the "other body" wasn't there to stop me. (He's been demoted to "other body".) And hasn't been there for about a week. Guess it took me that long to wander over there. Whatever; but I felt weird all day because of it. And then I go to work feeling all out-of-place & somehow I wind up getting 7 unsolicited phone numbers. More than normal for a Thursday night. Are men just hornier on July 8th? 3 on the back of credit card vouchers & 4 on the proverbial cocktail napkin slipped into my hand. Guys: we don't keep these. We turn in the vouchers & throw the napkins away. The woman in Accounting that looks over the vouchers may call you, but I won't. You only get a call if I personally hand you a pen and a piece of paper & ask you for your number. Which we hardly ever do because of the "no strange in - no strange out" rule. I know I'm not speaking for every female bartender; but amongst the group that I know, we don't call men that pass us their numbers while we're working. We may tell you where we'll be later & see what happens; but you'll rarely get a call-back just 'cause you were "so clever" to slip your number to our hands.

Don't get me wrong. I'm always flattered when I get a number I didn't ask for. It means I either; did my job (got you drunk) or you were genuinely taken by me & you want me to call. FYI: if you ask us where we'll be later & we're actually there; there's a chance.

I've never been so tired in my life. I'm putting 3 pillows on the right side of the bed so I don't wander over there again tonight.

Peace


ps to M: see? I did it again...a whole post without the word "fuck" in it! Fuck, I did it again! I'm never goin' to get this right!

...or at least 1 degree away from being one.

I know, I know. I'm the last person IN THE WORLD to be curious about the 6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. When was that even in the mix; about 10 years ago? Anyway, I've spent more time than I care to admit on this and it's driving me crazy I can't find a higher number than 3 for any name I put in. If any of you play this & come up with an actor/actress 4 or over, please let me know so I can get some sleep.

Anyway, I had a huge communication breakdown with someone tonight. If you work with the public, maybe this has happened to you. Someone not from these parts was asking me for something & I could not for the life of me figure out what she wanted. Granted, I am from the South, but I think I've kinda developed an ear for accents other than a drawl in the last 10 years. I lived in the USVI for 4 years (lots of accents) & have been in the DC area for the last 7 where every accent in the world is represented. So, this woman comes to my bar & asks me for a "bat". I think it's rude to tell someone more than twice that you don't understand them, so I do that thing where I'm running every possible word that it could be through my head & I'm just not getting it. The clock is ticking & she's getting more & more frustrated with me. She's saying "A Bat" over & over while doing this charades thing with her hands that doesn't even look like ANYTHING. So I think maybe she really does mean that she needs a bat. And I should just tell her I don't have one. Maybe she needs a bat because someone threatened her & she wants to beat him senseless. Maybe she was so pissed off the O's sucked so bad tonight; she's inspired to go teach them how to bat. And why would she want a bat from a bartender? Did she see an old western movie where all the bartenders have guns & just pull them out & shoot people, so maybe I would have a bat because guns behind bars just aren't kosher anymore? Amazing all the thoughts that can go through your head when you're trying to just please someone and they're screaming "A BAT" at you.

Well, our Spanish-speaking cashier comes over to see why this woman is having a breakdown at my bar & turns out, she wants a "bag". A plastic bag to put her leftovers in. Well, I don't have a bag, either. But the cashier does, & when he tells her this, she looks at me & says something to him that I know contained the words "stupid American".

10 minutes of my life I'll never get back. Didn't I just mention yesterday that the meltdowns that happen in this place are always over something stupid? And kudos to you if you made it this far through this stupid story.

Hey; the only things I'm suppose to be doing behind this bar are looking cute, mixing good drinks, and telling dirty jokes. I tip a lot of people out at the end of the night. Surely one of them is supposed to know where we hide the bat.

Happy Days!

ps to M: did you notice I didn't use the word "fuck" a single time in this whole post? oops

....and I meant every word of it!

It's true. For the most part, I just "Grin-Fuck" people I am serving at my bar. My friend Maryanne (fellow bartender) coined this phrase about 7 years ago. Or maybe she just copied someone else, but kept the credit for herself. I just loved being able to connect a term with something I had been doing for years. In either case, it means that while you're saying something stupid to me, I'm just looking at you with a big smile while thinking, "Yeah, I'm smiling at you but I'm thinking 'Fuck You'". You have to do this, because you can't just be telling stupid people that they're stupid. The customer is not always right, but you have to pretend they are so you can make your rent & car payment.

Well, I totally lost my ability to "Grin-Fuck" the other night & just said exactly what was in my head. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know I'm leaving end of the year for a better job where I can upgrade my "Grin-Fuck" level. Maybe the thrill is gone.

So, "Blue-Shirt-Guy" (BSG) walks up to my very crowded bar with 3 of his friends to meet yet 4 other friends. I politely ask them to move to another part of the bar because they are blocking the only way in & out of the room. This is something I have to ask people to do all night, every night, & 99% of people apologize & move. I quickly explained to them that the Fire Marshall's come through periodically through the night to make sure that we are doing what we're supposed to be. No Big Deal. BSG looks at me & says, "This is the WORSE service I've ever had in a restaurant. I guess business must be really good here that you can just chase customers away!"

Come on! It's not like I'm just arbitrarily pulling rules out of my ass. I didn't say, "Hey, guys with blue shirts can only stand over HERE." BSG says, "Well, we were looking to have dinner here, but now we're leaving & YOU have ruined our entire evening!" And I just lost it! "I'm sorry sir. Which part of the last 60 seconds that you have been at my bar would you say was the worse? I mean, I know which part I would say was the worse; but I'm just curious which part YOU think was the worse." I have NEVER intentionally been rude to a customer, & OMG! It felt so fucking good to be rude to this person! Right at this time, one of the managers comes over & asks them to please stop blocking the walkway. BSG calls him an asshole. His friends that were there before him that had a tab just throw money on the bar & they all leave. Thank God I counted the money before they got out the door, because they didn't leave enough to cover. I had to chase them to the lobby where I got to really embarrass them by loudly saying in front of the 30+ people waiting for a table that they hadn't left enough money for their bill.

Suffice it to say; no tip. But that's OK, because I made a bunch of money off of people that know how to act when they go out in public. And I treat them accordingly. That's why I make the money.

Dammmmmn....Sorry, very silly story; but it's just a little tiny example of what I have to put up with sometimes. Fortunately, the majority of the clientele here is wonderful. And I think it's funny that the very few times there is a meltdown; it's over something so stupid.

Ok, everyone say it with me! "I will be nice to my bartender since she's being so nice to me!"

Spread the Love....

Ophelia says it best:

"It happened in that moment when I looked at him and saw this tremendous pain in his eyes. Had I been lying? I could try and plead a gray area about simply "not telling", but that's crap. I had been lying, yes. Every moment of every day. Lies by omission are worse. Because every second that passes when it's not said, is another lie."

Do you think this applies if you just didn't tell him you were in love with him???

just wondering