The Life of a Southern Girl

I just wrote a really long post & it disappeared while doing spell-check. To sum it up: I went shopping today. It sucked. Sales people are idiots. I drove. It sucked. Traffic is just the worse ever here. I cleaned out my car. It sucked. I hate doing stuff like that. But, it's just wrong when there is so much stuff in your car, you can't put the seat back when you're trying to make out.

peace

...about the fact that Blogger was not keeping up with the number of posts I had. Now they are. So, EVERYDAY it's just in my face which is a constant reminder that I don't post nearly enough.

It's official.

I am never satisfied.

I honestly do. I woke up yesterday morning (the morn of my b-day) and felt; well, smarter. It was the same feeling I had when I woke up the day of my 30th. On that morning, I distinctly remember thinking, "I was so stupid when I was in my 20's!". This particular b-day was not a milestone or anything; so I don't know why this great realization of my sudden advance in intelligence happened. I'll make it my mission to use it to my advantage 'cause, Hey! I'm guessing it could disappear as quickly as it appeared. Kind of like "Flowers for Algernon" but not really.

I'm nursing a pretty wicked hangover right now. I quess I'm luckier than most since it didn't start until about 3 this afternoon. I was pretty much still buzzed up until then. Thank God my day was almost over by then.

FYI: If you are a bartender & it is your b-day; Do Not go to a bar where all your other bartender friends hang out. You should go to some little hole-in-the-wall place on the outskirts of town where Noone knows you. If they don't know you; they're not inclined to just keep lining up shots of Grand Marnier in front of you.

And Thank You, Tom, for taking me out. I had a great (and incredibly eye-opening) time!

Thanks to everyone that sent me good wishes. If you're in the area next year; you should join in the celebration. I'll be celebrating at No Name Bar & Grill about 100 miles from here.

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I wasn't going to write about this because I didn't want to embarass anyone (Dan); but it's just too freakin' funny to pass up. A friend of mine (Dan) was in town a couple of weeks ago and on his second day here; he was borrowing his mom's car. Backing it out of the garage at all of 1 mile-an-hour, he realized that he hadn't shut the car door when it hit the inside of the garage door. Now, I know what you're thinking, "How much damage could that be?" I'll tell ya. The insurance company TOTALLED THE CAR. Totalled it. Definitely a story that he should embellish anytime he tells it.

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My spell-check is not working for whatever reason. So, if I grossly mispelled something & you're laughing at me right now in light of the fact that I am smarter; Bite Me.

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peace

My birthday is Wednesday. I'm a little Over-Whelmed. Is it obvious?

I would like to send my thoughts & prayers out to Don & Bart and the entire Wright/Sorce family. They lost their Incredible Freda in a tragic car accident this last Sunday in Ocean City, Maryland. For those of you that have not had the privilege of enjoying the "Don & Mike Show"; you missed meeting a wonderful woman.

Freda, you will be sorely missed. Everyone that came in contact with you is a better person because; if even for an instant; they basked in your glow.

Seriously. Right Now. 9pm on Thursday, July 14, 2005 is the quietest my life has been in weeks.

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Today was the last day of my house-sitting job. I was sitting for the same people I have sat for 5 weeks out of the last two months. The cool dogs with the cool pool.

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Consistency is key in Life. It's what makes us feel secure. The sun coming up every day; Bush murdering the English Language; long lines at the bank; and at least one bad thing happening at 123 Igiveup St. Every time Miss Scarlett house-sits there. (Read back for the "TV Remote Sacrifice" & "Dog Goes Lame" stories.)

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The latest: My clients went to London on the 3rd to attend a Polo Tournament. (They are OK, by the way. I got a text message at 6:15am our time on that terrible morning letting me know they were safe.) Wednesday of last week was a terrible storm related to Tropical Storm Cindy. I'm at their pool on Saturday cleaning up all the branches, leaves, etc... It's a freakin' beautiful day. 88 degrees. Slight breeze. Utopia. I'm standing across the pool from their very expensive pool-side bar setup when this freak of nature gale-force wind blows through and carries the umbrella from their expensive pool-side bar over the privacy wall into the backyard of their neighbor (who is also their best friend. No relevance.) Fuck! Can't I get through one job for these people that doesn't include one of their loved ones or a piece of their property getting hurt? I go into the neighbor's yard with the intention of just putting the umbrella back over.

Oh no. It's never as easy as it looks. The wall is 7 feet tall & the umbrella is part of a set that has it's own remote control that turns on the little xmas lites & also opens & closes it. Translation: It's fucking heavy. It's a Three Stooges situation minus 2. At one point I thought, "Is Alan Funt still alive? I should "Google" him." I got the umbrella back over and into it's base. Two of the spines had snapped in two when it flew over. I decide to close it in case that wind blast happens again.

So, I'm standing INSIDE of the umbrella closing it with the remote making sure that the jagged edges of the spines don't tear the canvas not realizing that I AM CREATING THE TOMB I SO DESERVE TO BE BURIED IN! I saved myself by falling to my knees at the last possible moment. It would be just my luck that New York would actually have a slow news day & a picture of a pool-side umbrella with little legs dangling from underneath would be splashed on the front page of the New York Post. Because it was THAT STUPID. The Washington Post wouldn't touch the story. Unless, of course, I had had sex with Deep-Throat first. Wearing a Belly-Dancer outfit.

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That's what I've been up to. How have ya'll been entertaining yourselves?

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peace


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It was easy being anonymous my first few months. And I was anonymous for one reason only. I was trash talking my employer & since I have just the worse luck ever; I thought that she may stumble across me. She never did. As far as I know. When I started my new job is when I "Came Out". Now I face a different dilemma.

I can't bring myself to write about certain things that piss me off because the particular person that pissed me off is reading me because I'm stupid & just give this address to anyone that is breathing.

Whew.

So....Hypothetically speaking...let's just suppose that you have a diner that you really like to have breakfast. And for the sake of argument; lets suppose that they have a really cool afforable buffet on the weekends. And if you were so inclined; you may show up there every weekend because the General Manager is a friend of yours (let's say he's a Citadel graduate. Hence, a South Carolina native; such as myself. Just for kicks.) and he buys you & your friends breakfast. Well, in this fantasy world; let's say that none of your lazy-ass friends will get up to go have breakfast with you on a Saturday morning because they just can't metabolize alcohol as well as you do. So you go alone.

And; this IS pretend, mind you...let's say that you get there and run into a person that is merely a customer of yours. You've done the best you could to hide yourself by wearing baseball cap & ill-fitting clothes. He says," I've already eaten; but I'll have another cup of coffee & watch you eat. And then he proceeds to blow smoke IN YOUR FACE the whole time you're eating. Did I mention that this made-up person may or may not have been asking me out for 6 months?
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I'm sorry....I just have to say it. DUDE! YOU SUCK! I said NO for months. Leave me the fuck alone or I may call someone! I'll put Murphy on your ass & you will be so sorry you woke up this morning!

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Did I say too much?

peace

I really don't. When you sit at my bar & order a drink & I ask you what your name is, offer my hand to shake (kiss; whatever), and smile like a maniac; I really just want your name so that I can start you a tab. If I don't ask your name, I start your tab in the computer as "Yellow Shirt Guy", or "Crazy Nose Guy", or just "Fucking Wierd Guy". Seriously....No conspiracy here. So...Why don't you want to tell me your name???

Today at Happy Hour, a guy I had never seen before came in & ordered a beer. He was wearing a yellow shirt. I peg him as someone that plays on one of the many softball teams that drink here. As is my nature, I tried to introduce myself by offering my hand & saying, "I'm Kimberly, and you are?"

Him: "On the yellow team."

Me: "And they call you?"

Him: "Maddog"

Me: "And your mother calls you...?"

Him: "Dave."

Me: "Thank you. I just wanted a name so that I could start you a tab."

Him: "Is that necessary?"

Me: "No. You could just give me a credit card & take your chances."

Him: "Are you insinuating that my credit card may not be safe with you?"

Me thinking to myself: "No! Your credit card number is not safe with me! I make my living on snowing people like you that have $1,000 limits on their credit cards! Seriously. It's how I keep myself in Bath & Body Works products.

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I'm thinking he's hiding something.

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I watched the DC fireworks from the top of the highest building in Old Town, Alexandria. Just across the river. It was pretty awesome. I actually went into DC to watch the fireworks the first year I was here. You only need to do it once. Unless you're one of those people that only feel important when they're hanging with roughly 500,000 other people.

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I always rely on the kindness of strangers. It's in my nature.

peace