Thursday, June 03, 2004
Note to Self:
Never answer a question with a question.
There are a few things I've discovered in my years of bartending about tending to the "hetero couple" as a female bartender:
1) Always address the lady first. If you address the guy first; she thinks you're flirting.
2) Be pleasant to the guy, but not TOO pleasant. Otherwise, she thinks you're flirting.
3) Compliment the lady at least twice on ANYTHING. "I love that (necklace, ring, lip-piercing)!", "That lipstick is the same color as my kitchen towel! I love it!". You get the picture. Compliment him on ANYTHING; she thinks you're flirting.
Bottom line: If she's happy; he's happy. Even in this day & age, the guy is usually the one footing the bill, & if you piss the lady off; there goes your tip.
Now I'm going to change the subject completely. (You're going to need this info to enjoy the story that I will hopefully get to.) Bartenders do not like to be put in the position of settling your disagreements. Yeah, we'll solve things like who had the most homeruns in 1996, or who had the fastest downhill time in the last Winter Olympics, or even how fat is the fattest cat. Statistic stuff is A-OK. But please don't ask us to give our opinion on whether or not we think your mother-in-law is just a shitty person cause she called you a lard-ass. And your husband doesn't think she was out-of-line cause, "ya know, you have put on a few pounds". Believe it or not; these things make us uncomfortable. It's a "no win" situation for us.
With all that said; I had just a LOVELY situation at my bar tonight. Probably made worse by me because I was put in a bad situation & tried to lighten the mood by TRYING to be funny. Let me just set this up for ya:
Lady: "Excuse me, but could you settle something for us? (Kiss Of Death statement, by the way) Would you be insulted if your husband called you a BEAST?"
Poor Scarlett: "Well, it depends. Which room of the house were you in?"
Lady: "huh?"
Poor Scarlett: "Well, if you were in the kitchen having dinner, & you were gnawing on a chicken bone with slobber flying everywhere, & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I'd say it was an insult. But, if you were in the bedroom sharing a cigarette (with him being in a state of euphoria), & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I would take it as a compliment". Which one was it?
Well, the guy laughed like crazy. The lady looks at me, then looks at him with that "we won't be sharing a cig for awhile" look, & he stops laughing. At that point; I knew I was screwed as far as making any money off these people. Suffice it to say; the lady was not happy, so the guy was not happy. After all was said & done; the guy left me a mere 15%. Guess I can't bitch too much.
Do y'all remember those flash card things you could get to keep in your car in, like, the 70's? You could flash them to other drivers. They said things like, "Back Off", "Slow Down". Know what I'm talkin' about? Well, I wish I had something like that at my bar. Only my cards would say, "I Have No Opinion", "I'm Involved", "I Accept Nothing Less Than 25%".
"There ain't nothin' in the world like a brown-eyed girl,
make you act so funny
make you spend your money."
- Big Bopper (loosely)
ya'll come back soon:)
There are a few things I've discovered in my years of bartending about tending to the "hetero couple" as a female bartender:
1) Always address the lady first. If you address the guy first; she thinks you're flirting.
2) Be pleasant to the guy, but not TOO pleasant. Otherwise, she thinks you're flirting.
3) Compliment the lady at least twice on ANYTHING. "I love that (necklace, ring, lip-piercing)!", "That lipstick is the same color as my kitchen towel! I love it!". You get the picture. Compliment him on ANYTHING; she thinks you're flirting.
Bottom line: If she's happy; he's happy. Even in this day & age, the guy is usually the one footing the bill, & if you piss the lady off; there goes your tip.
Now I'm going to change the subject completely. (You're going to need this info to enjoy the story that I will hopefully get to.) Bartenders do not like to be put in the position of settling your disagreements. Yeah, we'll solve things like who had the most homeruns in 1996, or who had the fastest downhill time in the last Winter Olympics, or even how fat is the fattest cat. Statistic stuff is A-OK. But please don't ask us to give our opinion on whether or not we think your mother-in-law is just a shitty person cause she called you a lard-ass. And your husband doesn't think she was out-of-line cause, "ya know, you have put on a few pounds". Believe it or not; these things make us uncomfortable. It's a "no win" situation for us.
With all that said; I had just a LOVELY situation at my bar tonight. Probably made worse by me because I was put in a bad situation & tried to lighten the mood by TRYING to be funny. Let me just set this up for ya:
Lady: "Excuse me, but could you settle something for us? (Kiss Of Death statement, by the way) Would you be insulted if your husband called you a BEAST?"
Poor Scarlett: "Well, it depends. Which room of the house were you in?"
Lady: "huh?"
Poor Scarlett: "Well, if you were in the kitchen having dinner, & you were gnawing on a chicken bone with slobber flying everywhere, & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I'd say it was an insult. But, if you were in the bedroom sharing a cigarette (with him being in a state of euphoria), & he said, "My God, woman! You are a BEAST!"; I would take it as a compliment". Which one was it?
Well, the guy laughed like crazy. The lady looks at me, then looks at him with that "we won't be sharing a cig for awhile" look, & he stops laughing. At that point; I knew I was screwed as far as making any money off these people. Suffice it to say; the lady was not happy, so the guy was not happy. After all was said & done; the guy left me a mere 15%. Guess I can't bitch too much.
Do y'all remember those flash card things you could get to keep in your car in, like, the 70's? You could flash them to other drivers. They said things like, "Back Off", "Slow Down". Know what I'm talkin' about? Well, I wish I had something like that at my bar. Only my cards would say, "I Have No Opinion", "I'm Involved", "I Accept Nothing Less Than 25%".
"There ain't nothin' in the world like a brown-eyed girl,
make you act so funny
make you spend your money."
- Big Bopper (loosely)
ya'll come back soon:)
