The Life of a Southern Girl

A better word, I guess, would be Procrastinator. Although both words give the impression that I just don't have my act together. Which I do, by the way. I actually don't think my level of procrastination is any different than your average person. My procrastination seems to fall into two categories: "Things That I Really Want To Address; But Want to Wait Until I Have More Time To Give Them The Attention They Deserve" and "Things I Just Don't Want To Do; But Know I Will Have To Do Eventually". Things like returning phone calls, emails, etc. fall into the first category. Things like paying parking tickets on time fall into the second. I know my father loves me; but I think that this is the particular trait of mine that drives him nuts. I'll even go out on a limb & say that it's the only one. Am I right, Cecil? :)

Anyway, Erin over at The Sugar Lick (formerly Cramped Hand) changed locations a couple of months ago. I'm a Slacker. And in a Category #1 way; I just now got her new site listed. You all must get over there straight away. Besides her incredible writing style; she is freakin' funny! Cramped Hand was one of the first links I listed here when I started 'cause she cracked me up so much & I wanted to share.

-------------------

So; Xmas without my family. I love my friend Carl for answering my phone call this morning to go to breakfast even though he was up 'til 6am. I had other obligations for the latter part of the day (that I didn't follow through with). I just really wanted to be with someone that is a dearly-loved friend. And even though he nixed my idea of playing Xbox all day; I still love him. My sister hosted dinner for our family in SC. I called a few hours ago & got to talk to everyone. By the way, Paige, everyone was blown away by the spread you put out! I wouldn't expect anything less. You rock, sweetie! I wish I could have been there. I missed you all terribly today. But just think how much trouble we can get into when I come home in February! Wow, I don't even know what that may mean. We're middle-aged and responsible. What kind of trouble could we get into? Plucking shrooms from the farm by the high school after a hard rain just doesn't sound like fun anymore! And we're not at the Canasta stage yet. Hmmmmmmm....

---------------------

Happy Holidays, again. I'm thinking I'll get my bitchy edge back after January 1. Unless someone fucks with me before then.

peace

I've been very nice to it; I think. As nice as you can be to something that isn't tangible. I've lost 3 posts so far. Posts that showed up for a couple days & then just disappeared. It quit counting my posts as well. And it's making me sign in every time recently even though I check the box that is supposed to sign me in automatically. I feel like I'm in some sort of fucked up relationship where the guy is being mean to me for no reason. I just have my hands in the air saying, "Just tell me what I did! I'll make it right!". I know, I know. I have bigger problems. Like....

-----------------------

I'm not going to be with my family this year for the holidays. Having just started a new job; I'm low man on the totem pole & everyone else at work already had their holiday plans. I decided not to fly home because I would pretty much just be there for 48 hours. I decided to wait a couple of months when I can schedule at least a week off & go home then. This has happened a few times before. When I lived in St. Croix; the islands' Carnival was the 2 weeks over Christmas. (Most of the islands in the Caribbean have a Carnival all falling at different times of the year. St. Croix's just happens to be over Christmas ending on Three Kings Day.) The resort I worked at was so busy; I couldn't take any time off. My first year there was pretty brutal as it was the first Xmas I hadn't been home. Very weird. It was 92 degrees. I worked that day then went diving with some friends at dusk. We bagged a bunch of lobsters & had grilled lobster tails for Xmas dinner. VERY different for this southern girl. I didn't make it home for 3 Xmas' in a row. I think this is my 2nd not to make it home in 7 years. And even though I've always had very logical & rational reasons (mostly time-frames) each time I get really freaked out starting on about December 23rd. I start thinking, "Oh My God! I'm not going to be with my family for Xmas!" Given the areas (St. Croix & DC) there are ALOT of people I know in the same boat I spend time with affectionately dubbed "Orphan Dinners". And in as much as I love my friends & enjoy spending the holiday with them; it's just not the same as spending it with the people that have seen me at my absolute worse & still love me.

****Mom, Dad, Paige, Aunt Dale, & Uncle Bill: I'm going to miss you all terribly tomorrow! I love you all very much! Merry Christmas!****

---------------------

Happy Holidays to all of you! May the New Year bring you nothing but Happiness!

Does anyone besides me actually worry that; one day; Hell WILL freeze over? I said the words to myself so many times today; I had to stop & think how busy I would be if/when that happens. I may have to take a leave of absence from my job. There is no one incident that happened today that I could talk about that would be even remotely interesting. It was about 17 separate things all grouped together that made it a tough day. Thank God it's over. I'm worried though, that as cold as DC is right now; Hell can't be far behind. When I moved here, I owned a "South Carolina Cold" coat. It was the middle of winter. I remember my boyfriend & I walking a couple blocks from the restaurant we'd had lunch in to the Metro literally crying 'cause I had never been so cold in my life. I now own a scarf, gloves, a hat, & an awesome coat that's good to 4 degrees below. By the way; that particular bf & I broke up because he went on to Boston for law school & I stayed behind because I just couldn't live any farther north. We had met while living in St. Croix where clothes were mostly optional; but he was raised in NY; God bless him. He was use to wearing way more clothes than were ever intended for a body to wear.

-------------

To anyone that was following my Fantasy Football rants & raves: I made it to the first round of playoffs. I was number 2 in the league; but seeded 3rd 'cause of points. Derrick Mason lost if for me Monday night. And that sucks because I had Bennett at the beginning of the season & dropped him after 3rd week. Oh well. I finished 10 - 3 before the playoffs. Not too shabby for Miss Scarlett.

peace

---S, I'm happy you're back. Can't believe you remembered!

I just figured out tonight how it is that I've been able to get to and from home so quickly during rush hour in a city that is #3 in the nation for gridlock. I've been traveling in the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lanes. I've always known they existed. Didn't necessarily know which ones they were; but I'd heard rumors. When I was working nights; didn't matter which lane I was in. Now that I work days and am traveling with the masses; all of a sudden there's all these RULES. Two people in the car? THIS lane. Three people? THAT one. Poor unfortunate fucker traveling by yourself? Just stay right where you are and only move an inch every 3.5 minutes. Oh well. It was glorious while it lasted. Sadly, I am one of those people that get nervous if I'm not being law-abiding on the road. So I am now officially going to be in the "poor unfortunate fucker" lane. Downside to that is that I'm also one of those people who have absolutely no patience. I think that it may end up driving me to write bad country song lyrics. And I hate country music.

--------------

I haven't talked about it here; but I managed to lose 20 lbs. this past summer that I did not need to lose. All because of a guy. And anyone that's suffered through reading my archives knows what that's all about. ANYWAY, I've been on a mission to get the weight back for a couple of months now. Since starting this new job; I've gained 5 pounds in three weeks. One of my co-workers today told me that it looked like I was getting my ass back. I made a mental note then to keep wearing the size 3's til I just can't anymore. I was kinda proud of my ass before I lost the weight; so that was a huge compliment. And please spare me all the sarcastic "Oh you poor thing. You lost weight. Must be terrible!" I normally eat whatever I want but have always had trouble gaining weight. High metabolism. And in as much as someone thinks they look bad in a bikini because they may be over-weight; noone really wants to see someone in a bikini with bones sticking out everywhere. Seriously. The "Heroin Chic" phase all the magazines went through in the mid-80's came & went in about 2 months. The worse part was losing weight in my boobs. And I didn't have that much to start with. I now know 7 ways to create cleavage where there is none. Most of which involve body-posturing & masking tape. No matter. My next big expense is a boob job. Even at my ideal weight (medically), I'm only an A. I aspire to be a C. And yes, I'm thinking I will be one of those girls that insist that you "Go ahead! Touch them! Don't they feel real??!!!". I will be so proud. What I'm saying is that I'll be insulted if you don't share the joy of my getting bigger boobs by feeling me up when I ask you to.

peace

So, this guy introduced himself to me at my bar today during Happy Hour. Said he hadn't been in there for awhile & was curious about me because he'd never seen me there before. Obviously, since I'm new there, alot of people have been introducing themselves. I took special notice of this guy. Very cute & very nice. And I did something I NEVER do. After I traded off the bar to the next bartender, I sat down & had a drink with him. We're having a great conversation. Into his third beer; I'm noticing he's not sounding like that Electrical Engineer born & raised in DC working at Lockheed that he presented himself to be. He's sounding more like maybe an electrician from Dallas working a government contract here in DC. And, BY GOD, that's what he is! (I cheated a little. I didn't really GUESS that. He eventually told me that after some prodding.) Now, I wouldn't have cared. It just pissed me off that he presented himself to be something he wasn't. I guess had I met him anywhere else; I could have passed myself off as a Chemical Engineer. I mean; if I want to get REALLY technical; that is what I'm doing.

Anyway, him losing his precise enunciations & "I've-got-a-rod-up-my-back" demeanor wasn't what chased me away. (I still had half a beer left.) Everyone in this town fudges a little. What really got to me was (although we had established the fact he is only a couple of years older than me) that he kept starting sentences with "I don't want to date myself; but....". Men: Please take note. Do not start sentences that way around a woman your age. Because when you say that; you are also dating HER. And unlike me, (who wouldn't have taken offense had it not been combined with all the other chit) she may not like it. I'm just sayin'.

peace

of "They". Seriously. How many times have you started a sentence with, "Well, they say....". I have come to the conclusion that "they" are All-Knowing. I want to be in charge of "they". I want to be the one that decides what is and what isn't. I'm thinking this could be my greatest accomplishment. I'm running for office. Vote for me.

peace

OK...I've been trying to give my friend heads up, and she's just not hearing me. And because I love her so much; (and she asked me to) I'm posting this question. Even though I know the answer. Apparently, the answer is not good enough coming from me. She needs it from people that she doesn't know.

Why is it that a guy will have sex with you & then never call you again? Until the next Saturday night at 2am? Is this considered a "booty call"? If he actually spends the night & I have a conversation with him the next morning, are we having a "relationship"? Personally, my answers are: Sex, Sex, Yes, & No. Which is what I'm telling her. If ya'll have anything to say about it; please share.

--------------------

OK, some of the emails I get just slay me. Apparently, I am a "dumbass bimbo" because my gas light came on. That was one guy. The other one offered me money to let him "take care of" me and my car needs. He'll pay me to let him take care of stuff for me. That's what he said. It must be true. I'd laugh if I weren't so jaded. Where do these people come from?

---------------------

My plan for the weekend: I'm getting a dive flag tattoo'ed on the side of the dolphin on my hip. I've been putting it off. By the way, tattoo's hurt. They tell you it only stings a little bit: they're lying.

----------------------

peace

Do you ever catch yourself doing something that you deem "odd" at that exact moment only to realize you've been doing it forever? I had a revelation like that tonight that made me sit and think about how many other odd things I may do. I'm driving home from work tonight. I'm singing to Barenaked Ladies really loud & all of a sudden my gas light comes on. I immediately feel my stomach clench & I start driving as fast as I can to the nearest gas station. I mean; I'm tailgating, darting in and out, pretty much a menace on the road. For some reason it hits me that my thought is: the faster I drive; the less likely I am to run out of gas. How insane is that? And it occured to me that I do that EVERY TIME. It doesn't happen very often because I usually gas up every Monday whether I need it or not. But when it does; I'm a freaking maniac. And I don't even know why. In my rational mind; I know that I probably have a good couple of gallons left. But it's the LIGHT that freaks me out. It may as well be a little gnome sitting on my dashboard screaming, "You need to get gas, you stupid bitch!". The light makes me think that I only have a half-block worth of gas left, and if I drive really fast; I can just hydro-plane into the gas station once it's gone.

Well, I see it for what it really is. Something major is missing in my life. I think Freud would agree with me. The correlation between the times my gas light actually goes on, & well....it all makes sense now.

-----------------

(Thanks Rhino for prompting me to count.) I'm pissed at Blogger for saying that I only have 92 posts. When this is actually my 104th. I thought that they were supposed to be keeping up with that for me. I would have said something really fabulous on my 100th post. Even if nothing fabulous had happened to me; I would have made something up. Just for the occasion; of course.



peace

Smiles, sincerity, orgasms, Christmas trees; just to name a few. I have my first artificial Christmas tree this year. And I'd like to mention that I purchased it under duress. I HAVE to have a tree. Just have to. The high-rise I live in has decided it is going to protect us tenents from ourselves by issuing a "No Live Tree" policy. This would make some sense if someone in the building had had some crazy Xmas tree tragedy in the past; but that hasn't happened. I called the business office about it and was told they were taking "preventative measures". Well, ya know, it starts with the small stuff. Pretty soon, those timers at crosswalks are going to have a 5 minute padding just in case we all get too stupid to understand when it says "0" and the big red hand is up; we don't know to stop walking. Which will lead to every little cow-dung town east & west of the Mississippi getting first hand knowledge of gridlock.

But, OK. I'll conform. AGAIN. I bought a 7 foot "Slim" (when did that become a category?) tree from Target that has the lights already on it. I'm not even going to decorate it. Cause I have to admit it's been fun moving all the "branches" around to make it look like people I know. And, no; I don't have that much time on my hands. I'm just really fast when I put my mind to something.

----------------

New job is going great. In as much as I'm kinda bitter that my customers now are giving me no "bitch-about" material; it's great to know that everyone is going to be nice everyday. And I do know it's only a matter of time. Utopia is a fucking fantasy. SOMEONE, SOMEDAY is bound to piss me off. Knowing something of reality tells me this. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point. But what if, God Forbid, noone ever pisses me off at work again? What will I write about?

----------------

I'm probably the only person that hasn't checked out Craigslist before; but I have now. And it's freakin' hysterical! The Casual Encounters section, anyway. If I were a slut, I'd be too busy to have a job.

-----------------

Johnny, I'm 10-3. Still second in the league. I'm feeling pretty bold with this distinction this far into the game. I'd be flexing my penis if I had one.

peace

...did noone sweep up while I was away? This place is a dump!! Seriously.....

I worked my pretty little ass off this last week. But isn't that what you do when starting a new job? I absolutely love it. And I know the newness will wear off after awhile; but bottom line is that this job is just so much cooler than my last. The fact that I'm working with really cute boys makes me just jump up outta bed in the morning. I love my shift changes when I get to work with the "boys" for an hour or two. True bartenders. Think "Cocktails"; but in a cool way. I know my own bar tricks; but it's much more fun passing "bottle-behind-the-back" with a drop-dead gorgeous guy. My Friday shifts may go longer if I have any say. And since I'm the only girl bartender there; I may have more say than I think. I'm hoping.

Met a guy a couple of months ago that has re-appeared in my life. He's a broadcaster on a not-to-be-named satellite radio station. He's really nice; but he has that "VOICE" ALL the time. I dated a DJ in Charleston for awhile that was actually the person that coined the phrase "turn before you burn" (In Charleston, anyway). But his saving grace was that he could turn the "VOICE" off. This guy can't seem to. And there are certain things I just can't think about sharing with him if he insists on talking like that. "Baby, take your clothes off; and did I mention the traffic on the beltway is; well, heavy!" I'm torn. I just can't seem to find a happy medium.

Murph, you've got the line on all the hot guys! Hook me up!

peace

I WILL post this weekend.
I WILL post this weekend.
I WILL post this weekend.
I WILL post this weekend.

I'm gonna post this weekend. Seriously.

peace